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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25256536">The Lynx at Night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstwins/pseuds/sstwins'>sstwins</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Masturbation, it's not at all explicit though, mostly this is about ash's emotions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:20:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,275</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25256536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstwins/pseuds/sstwins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How much of Ash's sexuality is still controlled by others even when he's alone?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Lynx at Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There was no reason he couldn’t do this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash Lynx, feared predator of New York City, lay small in his bed. His sheets were underneath him, tossed every which way his previous night’s restless sleep. It was his inability to sleep that had made him even consider doing this. The late hours of the night often drew him towards a dark place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That place, tonight, was masturbation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash had been masturbating since he was eight. Griff had been the one who first explained it to him, when he’d noticed Ash doing it at the kitchen table. He’d explained to Ash that touching himself was something to be done privately, away from the rest of the family. Ash had complied, enjoying the exciting feeling of warmth and sparks that came with the activity, even though Griff had warned him that his father would punish him if he ever caught him doing it. He had naïvely ignored that fact. One of the great joys of being young and innocent. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After Ash had been raped for the first time, he couldn’t find the same enjoyment in touching himself. He would chase the pleasure, trying to bring back the warm and happy feelings to no avail. Eventually as time passed, he stopped trying altogether. He was haunted by the feeling that his body did not belong to him. And the action of sliding his shorts down made him feel sick to his stomach, something that only got worse as he got older.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maturbation had become something else when Ash was taken to Club Cod. An action that he’d first done to please himself was now done for the pleasure of old men who loved to see the burning flush on Ash’s cheeks, to hear him moan shamelessly. They liked the feeling of controlling Ash’s body like he was a toy. So, Ash learned to dissociate himself from his actions. To pleasure himself without really affecting his mind. To look like he was in a state of bliss while still retaining some sanity. But the actions of taking his clothes off, pumping his fist around himself, and orgasiming became foreign to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hadn’t been able to masturbate since then, unless he was performing for someone. A few years ago, once he was away from Dino in his own room with no one watching him, he had dared to try it. But all it did was make him feel sick, dirty, and embarrassed. Any pleasure in the actions had died along with Ash’s shame. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So why did he suddenly feel compelled to try it again?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ash stared down at his body. He was half dressed, his chest bare but his legs still covered in thin jeans. He still had trouble sleeping completely nude, despite the heat of summer bearing down on the room. A fly buzzed lazily around the ceiling light, which was dimly burning and flickering.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was all stupid Eiji’s fault, with his sweet face and soft touches. Ash normally flinched away from human contact, but Eiji would sit next to him and touch his shoulder, his hands, his face. And for the first time in years, Ash actually felt turned on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no reason he couldn’t do this. Factually, Ash knew that billions of people masturbated. They had sex with people they loved and they enjoyed it. Logically, it was perfectly natural. But even thinking about doing it was causing bile to slide up Ash’s throat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was jarring how easy it was for him to perform sexually for others, and how hard it was for him to do the same when he was alone. If Dino was here, Ash knew he would have no trouble forcing himself to orgasm. But alone, he didn’t really know how to start.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The top was safer. Ash drew in a shaky breath, and softly raked his hand across his chest. That was enough of a start for now. Soft, feathery fingers danced across his pale skin. Despite sustaining bruises, scrapes, and gouges, his skin was still smooth and pretty. Ash gasped through the motion. The trouble would come if he thought too much about the actions, or too little. In this moment, he needed to be just a boy. Not a trained whore or a robot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash stilled his hand. Eiji. He had wanted to do this for Eiji. To prove to himself that he could have feelings for the older boy, and it would be okay. It would be safe. Before he overthought the action, Ash flipped open the button on his pants, pulling them down to his knees. Despite the heat, his legs felt so cold. Despite this, he kept going. Eiji. He was doing this for Eiji. And it was nothing hard. Nothing he wasn’t used to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash let his palm slide beneath his briefs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t hard yet, but he hadn’t expected to be. The feeling of his fingertips on his sensitive skin was exciting though, and his body reacted accordingly. Ash wrapped his hand around himself and started stroking, starting out softly and slowly. This is what it would be like if it was Eiji. Eiji, who was small and inexperienced. Did Eiji masturbate at night thinking about him? Was he gentle with himself, as he was gentle with Ash, never touching him too suddenly or without warning?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without meaning for it to happen, Ash realized that he was far away in his head. His pumping had become faster, rougher. He was breathing heavier-- too much, and too forced. There was no pleasure. Just a sense of obligation to finish what he’d started. Ash paused his hand, and felt how quickly his erection became soft again. It wasn’t right. He was still doing it as if there was an audience. The purpose behind masturbation was to enjoy it, and he couldn’t feel the pleasure in his chest like he had at first. It had died, and the actions had become spoiled and rotten. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash’s eyesight became blurry at the edges, and slowly, tears began slipping down his face. He pulled his hands out of his shorts in order to wipe his eyes, smelling the acrid scent of his precum. Just like him, it was wrong, bad in some deep way. Ash cried quietly and for a long time, letting out all of the feelings he’d been covering up so well. He cried for the fact that he would never be good enough for Eiji. He cried for the fact that he was wrong in some deep way, and it would never be better. He would never be able to be intimate with anyone without viewing it as twisted, himself as powerless or panicked. He was dirty, and he would always be dirty. Nothing but a well trained whore who could please others but never himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As his tears began to dry, Ash became aware of the fact that he still felt cold and nervous with his pants down. Pulling them up, Ash redid the button tightly, trapping all of the bad feelings with it. He was a leader. There was no time to waste on wishing that things were different.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ash pressed his face into the pillow, ignoring the slight wetness of his failure between his legs. As he drifted off, he wondered if Eiji was touching himself now. He wondered if Eiji was panting softly, brushing his hands along his chest, pumping himself to an orgasm that was entirely his own. Something that was so pure, Ash could never risk ruining it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He fell asleep to tears on his pillow. But in the morning, it was like nothing had even happened at all.</span>
</p>
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